This is not a “New Years Resolution,” this is a forever resolution. And there will be ups and downs.

One day, food will consistently be treated as an ally and not as an enemy. My brain will take it in as energy and not think of it as something optional. Having to waste time deciding how my day or week is going to go based on where and what I eat will be something of the past.

Society has decided for us that there are two categories- “good and bad”- and man did it get engrained into us. Food is bad, weight gain is bad, desserts are bad, carbs in general…bad. What is “good?” Working out and sweating out all of the accidental carbs taken in at lunch because you were “craving them.” Alcohol looks fun and cool so that’s always a good decision, right? Sure. Size small…good. Large, def not.

Our priorities have changed as a society, and not for the better. We focus on such minor things and let them form into huge, anxiety ridden thoughts. That then turns into an anxious life. A chronically freaking anxious life.

I am sitting here thinking about the last year. I gained weight, it is what it is. But, it’s like a damn tennis match in my head. I look to the left and see all of the benefits- I ate three times a day, I was enjoying my life, I wasn’t restricting, I wasn’t dizzy from low sugar, wine nights…all positives. Then I look to the right and see the opposite- I don’t fit in all of my clothes, my face has become a little “full,” guilt, shame, and negative thoughts. Society won. It has me second guessing my decisions and letting diet culture creep back in. It needs to stop.

Retraining your brain is freaking hard. Reframing thoughts are hard. Going against your brain when every ounce of your body is telling it to give in and follow your normal, your comfort zone…hard. I want to change my mentality and I want to change it for good.

A chronically anxious life…I’m ready for that to be something of the freaking past.

Meeting with a dietitian and therapist for months on end has helped so much, but let me be crystal clear here, there is still work to be done. I have never realized how stubborn I am until recently. I mean, I am literally fighting with myself about my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. I can’t just let myself give in and relax. I don’t know how to allow my brain to work in the “grey zone.” I mean, I am comfy in the “black or white.” It’s what I’m used to. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Living in this crazy society is hard. There is so much pressure that we put on ourselves because it’s a constant battle about who is judging who; who is in first place in this race that we have made up? If you’re not first you’re last, right?

We have got to change the narrative. I’m over the competition. I am guilty of it too, but I am sick of it. We need to focus on living our freaking lives and finding happiness within ourselves instead of constantly comparing.

I am wanting to find peace within myself, find my purpose in this crazy life, put me first above anybody else, not obsess over what and when to eat, but actually listen to my body and understand normal hunger cues. I want to wear clothes that make me feel comfortable, move my body for my mental health first and for physical benefits second because no matter how “good I think I look” in that certain season of life, if I don’t feel well mentally, it doesn’t fucking matter.

Please, I mean this in the nicest way possible, if you’re going to talk about diet culture to me…just don’t. I don’t want to talk about numbers- the scale, carbs, exercising specifically for weight loss, how many calories burned in a day, how much weight you have left to lose, fad diets, blah, blah, blah. It’s a daily struggle that is a work in progress and will one day be the old me. Past Cait.

We have to change the narrative. It takes one person at a time to create a domino effect, but I can’t focus on changing anybody else but me right now. I’m putting me first.

Doesn’t it sound nice to just wake up and live your life and actually be happy? Genuinely? I know I am not the only one who sits and over analyzes every thought because we are in such a fast paced world where relaxing is frowned upon. We’re having to multitask from the second we wake up till the minute we go to sleep.

Well guess what, I’m going to be the one who takes nap on the daily if I’m needing them, I’ll stay home if I don’t feel like being social, I’ll learn to eat a few Oreos and not feel guilty about it because damn, Oreos are just yummy, okay? If I feel like wearing leggings because they’re more comfortable than jeans, guess who’s going to be the happy one in stretchy pants? 🙋🏼‍♀️

Society…it needs to change. I don’t want my future kids to be worried about these things, I want them to focus on just being happy. Being themselves.

Eat when you’re hungry, go on a run to clear your headspace, gain weight/lose weight when your body needs it to, ON ITS OWN. Not when you’re forcing it to by starving yourself. It’s supposed to fluctuate. *Remember this, Caitlin. It IS supposed to fluctuate.* 🙄

Let’s make society not suck.

Rant over. ✌🏻 LOL

Happy forever resolution to me!

XOXO, Cait ♥️

Hi, friends!

It has been a while since I’ve been on here. I have been doing so much over the last several months and my brain has been consumed with well…life honestly. You know how it is. Adulting, right?

Since the last post, my life has consisted of continuing to work throughout this whole covid pandemic in the hospital with the kiddos, getting a promotion that I am currently working on, busting my butt trying to re-train my brain that I am worthy and allowed to put me first, oh…and I’ve found myself a new friend who I am a little obsessed with and like to see on my days off. I’ve been a little busy.

The best part? I did it all in my own little bubble. I love sharing parts of my journey, but I’ve loved keeping some of it to myself, too, in order to really grow and soak it all in.

Over the last almost year-ish, seeing a therapist weekly and adding in a nutritionist on top of that has been the hardest and best thing that I have ever done. My world has been thrown upside down, tossed back and forth, but it has all allowed my eyes to open and observe what I’ve been missing all of this time. It is definitely not all my fault, let me make this very clear *me talking to me,* and I am so here for it now.

I don’t know about you, but being a chronic people pleaser, rule follower, control freak/perfectionist, and super selfless person for this long has done some damage. LOL. Learning to re-train my brain on how to love myself for who I am now and not for who I was in the past is hard. Living in the moment, always being present, practicing mindfulness, and trying my best most days to really implement self-care is hard. Being an adult is hard. Mostly, being human is hard. There are curveballs being thrown at us all the time from every direction and we need to learn how to catch them and deal with them instead of running away and dodging them. Anxietyyyyy, ayeeee. *Guilty.*

I have had hard days over the last few months, I have had good days, and I have beat myself up when things did not go as originally planned or how I pictured them to go. The hard truth and reality is that all of our days are never going to “go as planned.” Life changes; even when you don’t want it to, even when you never saw any of the signs coming, no matter how little or how big the predicament is. Life changes every single day.

I have gained weight over the last however many months and per usual I have beat myself up over it for so long…but why? I have still been moving my body, I haven’t sat and eaten a whole ton in one sitting or starved myself over a long period of time in so long, I have been journaling and having one to two sessions a week with people who are literally here to cheer me on and help me grow and reflect, I have been been doing all of the “right things.” I sit and reflect on everything that has happened that has caused me to “gain weight” and nothing negative has happened except for my own brain beating myself up.

I can honestly say that over the last year, I have never been so happy. Covid came and shut down the world and it has allowed me to grow oh so much! As an introvert being stuck in the house of course had it’s challenges and some not so great days, but for the most part I wasn’t too sad about it. I have never in my life put so much effort into helping myself heal and trying to feel good about myself as I have now. I am working in my dream career, I have had time to reflect on me, and I have a new best friend that lifts me up everyday. What has caused me to gain weight? My happiness. Going out to be with friends, family, and indulge in treats that I would’ve typically skipped before. Eating multiple meals a day. Traveling. Maybe having a few too many glasses of wine, but screw it. No regrets. I need to, correction, we as a society need to stop focusing on numbers and body shapes. It ruins us. Why do we do this to ourselves? Me included. Some days are better/worse than others- your girl is no where near close to perfect. Well, nobody is perfect, but ya know what I mean.

I am trying to sit and accept me for me. I do not want to obsess over when and how my body changes, because it will, it is meant to fluctuate. Really trying to accept this reality. It is still a little hard some days, LOL. I am trying to prioritize self-care over “everybody else-care.” I am trying to be with friends and family to get social hour in, but I am also taking a day to stay in my house alone because I need it.

Today, I caved and finally went to McDonalds because I have been craving it for days, for whatever reason, and it was delicious. I didn’t beat myself up over it. This is a win.

Today, I needed an alone day, but I also missed my friend and wanted some social time so I FaceTimed her. We chatted to catch up for a while, which was definitely much needed, and then we continued on our day. I didn’t stay at a friend’s house all day like I usually do, instead prioritized me and allowed myself to catch up for an hour or so and then relaxed alone. This is a win.

Today, I sat outside while I let the dog roam around the dog park and do her business. It’s not my typical outside time, but it was outside time and it was good for my soul. Fresh air really is different than air conditioning. This is a win.

Today, I allowed my body to relax and decompress in the bath before bed while listening to a Brene Brown audiobook. She is amazing. I didn’t focus on anybody else but myself for 45 whole minutes and allowed for some self-care while I was giving myself some much needed pamper time. This is a win.

Today was a win.

I am learning to let go of everybody else’s feelings, do what makes me happy, and live behind the scenes. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and so many people have no idea he even exists. It’s amazing. We’ve been doing our own little thing and I am so happy. We are happy.

I think everybody needs some behind the scenes time in their life to find what makes them truly happy and to grow.

Society doesn’t need to see every aspect of your life at all times.

In order to live a peaceful life we need to respect ourselves enough to put ourselves first and live in the moment rather than living on instagram and comparing ourselves to others, when half of it is fake and physically unattainable anyways.

You are allowed to have good and bad days- as long as ya pull yourself back up after you fall. Life is a roller coaster full of ups and downs. Downs are going to happen, but the ups will outweigh the downs.

I might continue to stay behind the scenes for a while and do my thing because that, I have learned, is my key to happiness.

XOXO, Cait ❤️

Hi friends, Happy 2021!!! We made it out of 2020! 😄

I hope everybody had the best Christmas and stayed safe throughout the holiday season.

Even though the holidays are fun, they’re freaking stressful! Right? I know I’m not alone here. HAHA. “I need to buy presents for this person, and this person, and crap, this person, too!” “This friend is in from out of town and I want to see her and spend as much time with her as possible, but I also need to see so and so, too.” “I work three shifts in a row so I guess I’ll need to throw a nap in there at some point, too.” Ugh…ya feel me? The hustle and bustle is fun, but it’s a lot.

I am an introvert, if ya couldn’t tell. 😉 LOL. I LOVE my friends and family and I do enjoy getting out of the house, but holy crap…I am done. Throughout these last few months I really feel like I’ve just constantly been on the run. Go, go, go. There is something to do on every day off of work and what I really need is to just sit at home, stay in my pajamas all day, and do absolutely nothing. I don’t have anything left in me to give. I’m exhausted.

The other day I was talking to my nutritionist on the phone and it hit me. She called me out on what she sees when she is with me and how I’ve been talking about myself recently and then started questioning me about all of the things and it all made sense. She said to me, “in order to improve this eating thing, you need to fix the mental and emotional burdens that have developed for so many years first.” Woah. Take a step back, Caitlin. She’s right. What have I noticed recently? What is different? How did I fall back into the chaos again? What is going on?

I get overwhelmed when I’m busy. I like being busy sometimes, but ya girl needs to chill out and do nothing. It’s just a fact. I need alone time to recharge, this isn’t anything new. I have been SO busy recently, that it has caused me to fall backwards a little bit. Three steps forward, two steps back type of thing. It’s kind of frustrating. Here’s the thing…it’s going to happen. It’s okay. Healing is not linear, learning and implementing new habits and are not easy, and I’m only human. I’m giving myself grace here now that the annoyance has settled and I’ve had time to digest this.

This is what I’ve noticed:

🧠 Journaling has been scarce lately.

🧠 Moving my body has not been as consistent.

🧠 People pleasing is in full effect again. I tried to make sure I fit everybody into my schedule and left no time for myself.

🧠 Self-sabotage, negative self-talk, shaming myself, whatever you want to call it…it’s all happenin’.

Have I completely fallen out of my new routine? No. Did I notice that my journaling and self-reflection were getting few and far between? Yep. Did I feel myself getting irritable, exhausted, stressed and burnt out? Yep. Did I do anything to change it? Not really. So, here I am.

I can’t blame this on anybody but myself because it’s my responsibility. It’s my job to take care of me, not my nutritionist or my coach or my therapist. They’re my guides and my supports system, but they are not in charge of my actions. I’m not going to beat myself up over this because I am ready to get back into the swing of things again. I acknowledge it and like I said, healing isn’t linear. There are bound to be some ups and downs along the way.

When things get tough, it’s okay. Take a step back and look at the big picture. What do you need to do in order to take care of yourself? Get back to the basics. That’s where I’m at. Back to simple self-care activities and not overextending myself. Back to me, first. ME. Sorry, not sorry. I’m going back to the ABC’s and 123’s.

Also, can I point out that I’m still making progress because I can actively sit here and see what I’m struggling with, acknowledge it, and make a plan to do something about it. I would not have done this a year ago! Go me.

Thanks to my support system, I am able to have extra sets of eyes and ears in order to help guide me in the right direction.

Friends, reach out to someone if you need help. It’s so powerful knowing that you are being vulnerable and allowing others into your life who genuinely want to help you. If you feel like you’re going backwards, it’s all good. Sit down and make a plan to turn it back around. Baby steps. Back to the basics. Pretend you’re in elementary school again. ABC’s and 123’s. Do whatcha gotta do to take care of you. ✌🏻

XOXO, Cait ❤️

Happy weekend!

Yesterday I spent the day with a friend and her daughter. Sweet little girl, ten years old, just wanted to hang around and be a kid- play video games, go swimming, do her hair. Oh, the memories of childhood.

Everything was going great until she said one sentence that instantly triggered both her mom and I; and boy I am so grateful for her momma stepping up and saying what she said to her.

We were getting into our bathing suits ready to walk our happy butts to the pool and there it was…it came out of her mouth, “I’m fat, look at my belly.” It stopped me mid sentence and as soon as I even processed what she said her mom was already explaining to her that a) she is healthy, b) size does not matter, c) she is beautiful the way that she is, and d) she’s not fat.

Friends, this poor ten year old girl does NOT need to be thinking about her size. She shouldn’t have to worry about being a Barbie doll at this age, or at any age for that matter. Do you realize that body shaming starts in elementary school? Body dysmorphia is a real thing. Self-confidence starts when you’re little and once it’s ruined, it’s hard to get back. Body shaming is all around us because our society is backwards.

I just want to point out some things for a sec…

👑 Whether you want to believe it or not, kids listen to, watch, and absorb everything around them. That means whenever you talk about how tight your clothes are fitting, or how you need to eat a salad, or need to work out more, or need to lose a few pounds, or go on a keto diet to cut out carbs, or can’t have that dessert because it’s going to make you fat, or HOWEVER you decide to word it…kids are listening. They hear you. They see how you talk about your body. They are literally taught that having “meat on their bones” instead of being a size zero is not okay.

👑 Society. Size is everywhere. Clothing stores, magazines, social media, commercials, going to school, or the local pool, or the grocery store…you get the point. People are mean and immediately judge you by the way you look, and going to school is hard enough as it is. Nobody needs magazines thrown in their face showing off America’s next top model or the how this celebrity lost 50 pounds with this new fad diet. It’s just not healthy.

👑 It doesn’t go away. It’s like glue, once you hear it growing up it’s pretty much stuck in your head for life unless you choose to acknowledge and fix it, which by the way is not easy. It takes every ounce of you to fight against the urge to step on the scale, to order the steak that you really want instead of the salad to “not look like a fatty,” to eat breakfast instead of skipping the meal.

What needs to be taught is that-

💛 Nobody is meant to look the same. Bodies come in different sizes. Bodies fluctuate. Being healthy is what is important. And by the way, just because somebody is skinny does not mean that their body is functioning properly.

💛 Words hurt, so let’s teach our kids to be kind and have a little empathy. Not everybody’s metabolism is the same. Not everybody’s immune system is the same. Maybe they have a disease that prevents certain things from working the correct way. Not everybody has access to certain foods, and it might not be their fault. They probably know that they should be eating a little bit healthier, but they’re doing the best that they can. Maybe they are so stressed that their body physically won’t lose the excess weight and they’re trying and fighting everyday. We’re all human. We try the best that we can.

Let’s focus on not focusing on looks, ya feel me? Everybody is beautiful in their own way. Everybody has their own battles that they’re fighting. Everybody bashes themselves and picks each other apart and the younger generations are soaking all of it up. The cycle will never stop if we don’t make an effort now to end it.

Stop gossiping about size and start complimenting smiles. Stop pinching your “fat rolls” and be grateful that your body is healthy. Stop stepping on the scale because it only hurts when you don’t see the number that you wanted to see. It’s okay if you’ve been guilty of any of these things, I know I have, however being able to acknowledge these things, speak up to somebody about it, find accountability, and make an effort to fight the urge, which probably takes everything inside you some days…that’s a win.

Be a role model. Set a good example. Find confidence in your body. Eat because you know it’s fuel and you’re hungry, not because your blood sugar is low and you’re dizzy. Move your body because it makes you feel good, not because you need to sweat out 5 pounds of water weight in order for the scale to show you what you want to see. Talk highly about your body and about how much you love it.

Just remember, kids listen. They absorb the information and want to be like you. It’s a learned behavior that is hard to break. A ten year old shouldn’t have to worry about what she looks likes, she should be worried about if she’s able to have a sleep over with her friends or not.

I get it. I’m in the same boat. I’m not two steps ahead, I’m right here with ya. And some days are better than others.

XOXO, Cait ❤️

Hi, friends!

It’s been a little while, I know. My mind has been busy so I’m not apologizing. 😊 I’ve been thinking about what I want to write about next and it finally hit me tonight at work. It’s been in front of me for so long and it finally clicked. BODY IMAGE. Hello.

Hi, I’m Caitlin and I’ve struggled with body image and self-esteem issues for…well, for as long as I can remember. How are ya? ✌🏻

Are you ready for my PSA? Weight does not dictate your worth! Crazy, right? I’m writing this for me, too. I have been trying to work on this and still struggle with it so don’t think I’ve mastered this way of thinking yet. I haven’t. However, I am trying to remind myself of this and be gentle with myself and practice what I preach.

Stepping on the scale three times a day and micromanaging your diet until you find the lowest possible number is not healthy. I don’t care what anybody says. It’s not healthy for your physical health and it’s not healthy for your mental health. Period.

I’ve been doing such a good job over the past few months at purposefully avoiding the scale. It doesn’t really do any good for me; it only increases negative self-talk and bad habits. Have I slipped here and there? Sure. Baby steps.

Food. This is a struggle. I have a hard time eating enough food for the day. It’s not necessarily on purpose, but it has been intentional in the past for sure. Yikes. Not proud of it, okay? I’m human.

What I’ve been working on learning and practicing lately is that happiness does not stem from the scale, it stems from your mental health. Here’s the thing friends, starving yourself or overdoing your “work out” or creating a goal weight or whatever…none of that is beneficial. It sets you up for failure. Eventually you’re going to finally give in and eat way too many cookies. It’s an unrealistic expectation.

So what have I been doing? Focusing on my mental health and fighting the voice in my head with everything in me. I’ve been talking about this in therapy appointments, I’ve been making it a point to have coaching calls regarding this topic, I’ve been implementing tools that I’ve learned from both of those amazing women. No more daily scale steppin‘, no more “working out,” no more starvation (well, I’m trying), and more journaling, more positive affirmations, more finding things I like about myself and repeating them over and over. Also, news flash (for me, too!) BODY’S ARE SUPPOSED TO FLUCTUATE. You cannot stay at the same weight your entire life. Hormones change, water weight is a thing, and maybe you ate a little more than usual at dinner yesterday because your mom’s homemade meal was delicious! Guilty. Sorry not sorry. 💁🏼‍♀️

Most importantly in all of this is perspective change.

Stop “working out” and start “body movement.” Don’t make it seem like a chore, instead make it something fun and enjoyable and something that you want to do. I try my best to move my body daily whether it be for a 2-3 mile walk, yoga, or dancing it out in my living room. In any of these I am sweating, using my muscles, and my body is releasing the “happy hormones.” My body is moving and my mood is improving. It makes me feel good. It gets me pumped for my day and helps me find the motivation to get things done. That is the goal. Not working out as much as I can to sweat out the calories. Nope. No more of that.

Journaling is a safe space for releasing those tough negative feelings and emotions and then in turn feeling so relieved afterwards; your shoulders are seriously lighter. It’s a good way to let out what you’re really thinking and then fighting back instead of caving in and skipping a meal or weighing yourself. You should try it. 😊

We as a society are so hyper focused on being skinny to feel happy and we’re wrong. It’s unrealistic. Not everybody is a size 0 or a size 2. Starving yourself and going to the gym twice a day is not the way to find “happiness.” It’s superficial. I don’t want to live like that anymore. Like everyone else. I want to live for me and be genuinely happy. To wake up and feel grateful for all that my body does for me. To love the extra few pounds that I’ve gained because I eat three meals instead of one. I may have gained a few, but I am also gaining freedom from my own head.

I know body image is hard for a lot of people, whether you want to admit it or not. It’s okay if you choose to keep it to yourself, but can we all do each other a favor and stop obsessing over the scale? Can we stop complimenting people about how much weight they’ve lost, but instead how happy they look? Eat the damn cookie if you want it because it tastes good and you want it, not because you “deserve it” after dieting for a month. Meh. Not here for that anymore.

I’m still trying, I definitely struggle with this and some days are worse than others…but I am trying. I am making an active effort to put in the work in order to change my perspective. Baby steps are better than no steps.

And for goodness sakes, please do not ask me “how I’ve been working out or ask what I’ve been doing because I look so good.” I know it’s an innocent question and it’s supposed to be a compliment, but it only makes me obsess over the negative self-talk and fall back into the bad habits again when I’m trying so hard to get outta them.

Spread the word! Stop “working out.” Instead, practice moving your body. Practice moving your body for positive mental health and overall mindset and not just for weight loss. Stop complimenting on size and start complimenting genuine hearts and contagious smiles. Stop acting superficial and start falling in love with you for you.

Please.

XOXO, Cait ❤️

Shy, boring, weird, awkward…all adjectives I have used to describe myself.

Introverted. That’s definitely something I was never proud about being before, but why?

Growing up, going to school, and being the “popular” kids…that’s what society claims as “normal” and expected, right? The quiet and shy kids are never really treated the same as the outgoing group that the whole school knows about. I was the shy girl in school and have been that way my entire life. I have never liked to draw attention towards myself and I don’t enjoy being in large groups of people. I get overwhelmed. I was never proud of that before. I always wished that I was part of the other more “normal” group and that I didn’t have to worry about “saying the wrong thing” or “looking weird” or “feeling like a failure” for not talking as much as others and just listening. I’ve always longed to feel free from myself and enjoy socializing with a bunch of friends. My anxiety literally created a feeling within myself that caused guilt and shame. I felt guilty for not being outgoing enough. Are ya kidding?

Growing up being shy was kind of rough. I’ve had classmates comment that I’m weird for being too shy, for not talking enough, for not wanting to go to all of the school’s events. People are so judgmental. Why is it so bad to enjoy alone time and not want to be inside of a huge crowd of people all of the time? I know I am not the only person who feels like this.

I’m done with that. I’m not going to apologize or feel embarrassed for what makes me me. I am actually happy that I like alone time. I enjoy getting in my car after work and sitting for a few minutes to decompress. I enjoy getting home and going into my room for a few hours to write or listen to music or nap or whatever. I enjoy sometimes declining an invite to go out and staying home instead to have a night in while everybody else in the house leaves. It’s refreshing.

Growing up and getting thrown into the real world has taught me how to be more independent and not quite as shy and nervous to talk to people, but I am still not drawn towards large crowds. When hanging out with others, I’d much prefer to do something with one or two people at a time versus seeing all of my friends together in one setting. I like knowing that I can really give all of my attention to that person, I feel that they are giving their attention to me, and we can reconnect. I don’t have to stress about giving each friend enough of my time. Is that silly? LOL. If it is I’m not saying I’m sorry for it. That’s how I feel most comfortable and I know other introverted people will totally understand me right now. 😄

I am done calling myself names. “Shy, boring, weird, awkward.” How is that okay to say about myself? A few months ago I would not have even thought twice about it and would’ve seen nothing wrong with that, but today…no. I am trying to love myself. To be gentle with myself. To talk to myself how I would about my best friends.

I’m understanding that it is okay to be introverted. It’s okay to not want to be out and about with a bunch of friends all the time. It’s okay to enjoy alone time. It’s not weird. I’m not awkward. I’m actually pretty social once you get to know me and I’m comfortable with you; I just need some time to get to know you first. I have a kind heart and am super caring. I’m empathetic and always want the best for people. I do like to get out of the house, but I’m more of a go to Target and browse every aisle kind of girl versus partying out at the club. You feel me?

I want to normalize this. I want others who have felt alone like me for being too quiet to not apologize either. Accept yourself. You’re not too shy, you’re not too quiet, you’re not weird. It’s a daily struggle to love yourself, at least it is for me. It is freaking hard to be intentional, to try to change my way of thinking after so many years, to build confidence. I am trying each day to not pick myself apart; instead I’m working on building myself up and loving me for me. I try to compliment myself. What makes me unique? What do I love about myself? What makes me feel extra cute so I can nail that selfie? ALSO…that selfie is for ME, not for anybody else. I may post it to my Instagram, but it is not to see how many likes I can get it’s because I’m feelin’ myself. ✌🏻

I’m not changing for anyone and I hope you realize that you do not need to change either. Society can be rude. We are all worthy of love and acceptance. And also, I want you to know that my mindset did not change overnight, so don’t expect yours to either or get caught up in frustration. Months of therapy really help a person out let me tell ya. Each week I meet with her and each week she gives me the “Really?…” look and helps me switch gears, gives me exercises to work through certain things and encourages the crap out of me.

Keep fighting the fight, chica!

(Gotta tell myself that some days, too.)

We got this!

XOXO, Cait ❤️

Everyday is a new opportunity for growth. For new found strength. For being able to find the good. And sometimes, new days that you assume will be good days, will not be.

New days sometimes bring unwanted and unexpected emotions.

You think that therapy sessions, journaling, getting outside, doing all the “right things” will be enough and you will eventually learn how to be happy and inspire yourself once you find your new little groove in life. Then bam, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Like you got struck by a train. It comes out of nowhere.

You always hear that it is going to get worse before if gets better. Three steps forward, two steps back. You want to ignore that so badly and not make it your reality, but the reality is…is that in order to grow, there is going to be a low point. Maybe two, maybe three? I don’t know.

So I am pretty stubborn whether I like to admit it or not. I was doing good, kind of floating through the last few weeks happy and working on myself. I’m still working on myself, that hasn’t changed. However, what did change was a new topic that I’ve decided to dig into with my therapist and holy crap, I did not realize what that can do to you! I mean this is killing me! I found myself in a whole funk…like forreal, this is pissing me off. LOL.

I don’t like to show emotion, it’s super hard for me for whatever reason. I guess because I feel like I have to be Wonder Woman all the time or whatever, but the other night did it. Admitting this is hard. Sharing this with my therapist was even hard. The other night though…my body caved. My emotions finally won. My therapist and I have been waiting for this moment for months. She just keeps saying that she is so proud of me. This breakdown of emotions then led to other emotions that I haven’t felt in a little while. It was and is still so uncomfortable. I’m extra vulnerable. Extra sensitive. Extra frustrated with myself because I was finally starting to get to where I want to be. Am I seriously going backwards right now? After all of this time and energy! Seriously?!

But guess what! This is freaking part of it. Is this easy for me to swallow? Uhm, NO. Did I see this coming? Yes and no. I knew this was going to be a rough topic, I could tell I was isolating a little bit the last couple of weeks, but I didn’t know that I’d still be down days later. I was apologizing to my therapist yesterday for going backwards. She’s put in so much time with me and now all of a sudden I feel like I’m starting over. I’m embarrassed. She’s an angel though and clearly knows this is part of it because she deals with this for a freaking living. Is she really mad at me? Of course not. LOL, at me. You can see the insecure side of me coming out. Another work in progress.

Guys…what I want to tell you and what I am clearly still learning myself RIGHT NOW is that this is it. This is how I know I’m making some sort of progress. This feeling sucksssss, I’m not going to lie. It’s not fun. But I don’t want to cover up my scars with a bandaid, I want to work through them and this is how I have to do it. Healing is tough. The fact that it hurts so bad is because I care. Instead of giving up like I could do, I’m frustrated because I’ve fought so hard to get where I was last week and now I’m feeling like the old me again. In a funk.

It’s been sitting with me for days. I’m not giving up though. I’m going to go to my support person, explain how I’m feeling no matter how uncomfortable it is, and if I need another session, shit, another session it is. I did not work this hard to sit here and feel sorry for myself. Nope.

If you feel broken, crazy, insecure, embarrassed, terrified to open up, you’re isolating yourself from others…girl I got you. 🙋🏼‍♀️ Here I am. I feel ya. This is me right now. You are not alone. BUT…do not sit and stew in this for days and days and days and not do anything about it. That’s what I have to tell myself, too. Let it out, feel the emotions (FINALLY), know that these are good and normal to feel in order to heal, get up, and then get back on the train. Get back to helping yourself because that’s what matters in the end. I MATTER…YOU MATTER.

Don’t feel like you’re alone. It’s easy to do, trust me. Ya need help? Reach out. I gotchu. ✌🏻💪🏻👭🏼

XOXO, Cait ❤️

HUMPDAAAAAAY!!! Happy Wednesday, beautiful.

Everybody has struggles within themselves at one point or another in their life even if you try to hide it/them or don’t want to admit it. I know I have a bunch and if you are sitting there thinking “I can’t think of anything that I have had a hard time with or an internal conflict with yourself,” I am calling BS. We all have them. ESPECIALLY us, ladies.

We pick ourselves apart from top to bottom. Our hair is too frizzy, our teeth aren’t glow in the dark white, our stomach isn’t flat enough, this purse isn’t Michael Kors everybody is going to think I don’t fit in, they’re probably all talking about me right now, I need to order a salad at lunch today with the girls because if I order what I really want to eat they are going to think I am being fat, oh my god the scale read what number this morning!? Time to starve myself and eat little to no calories for today until I am so hungry that I just scarf down a huge meal at the end of the day because I feel so shaky and lightheaded. I have to say no to going to the beach with my friends even though I really want to go because I don’t look like a model in this bathing suit. I need to join the freaking gym. I didn’t get an A on that test, but I am going to lie and just say that I did so my classmates don’t think I am an idiot.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do I have to go on here? Have you said any of these things to yourself? I know that I have said every one of those things to myself so, ya girl gets it!

There are a lot of things that I have struggled with for a long time internally that I liked to keep hidden in the past. Do you want to know what one of my goals in this year? To get comfortable with being uncomfortable. That is a bold statement and it is freaking hard. This blog…this is not going to be easy just like going to therapy isn’t easy, but it is worth it. It is worth it to understand why I feel the way that I do, why I act the way that I do, to understand that other people have the same thoughts, worries, and hesitations, and to be able to get on here and help just one person feel like they can take a breath of fresh air and relate to me…that is all I want. You are not crazy. We are growing up in a world with a society that likes to tear us down instead of build us up into strong and confident adults.

My biggest struggles…what are they?

❤ Negative self-talk. Ooof, I am good at bashing myself. Shaming myself. Putting myself down. Second guessing every ounce of confidence that I get just so my anxiety makes sure it is known and still present. LOL…thanks, brain.

❤ Body image. I used to step on the scale every morning without fail before I ate anything. Sometimes multiple times a day. I am proud to say that I look at that scale that sits in my bathroom and step on it maybe once a week now. *Hair flip*

❤ Overthinking. The constant “What if this,” “What if that?” If you can relate to this- STOP. Stop with the “What ifs.” There is no benefit doing this. It will only make your anxiety worse and helps create unrealistic scenarios in your head. Trust me, friend.

❤ Fear. Fear of looking dumb. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of accidentally tripping down the hallway. Fear of how my anxiety is going to be for the day. Did you read that? I have anxiety over how my freaking anxiety is going to be that day. ARE YOU KIDDING? HAHAHA. That is hilarious. But yeah…that is a real thing that happens to me. You too? Please say I am not alone? I know I’m not. 🙂

❤ People pleasing. FRIENDS…I do not know how to say “No.” Let me fix this, I used to not know how to say “No.” I am now learning that I am allowed to say no and make myself the priority. Does it come out of my mouth super easily and without putting in some mental effort? Nope. Am I relieved after I say it though and then not have to worry about doing something that I really did not want to do? YES!

Nobody is perfect. Nobody is happy all the time. Nobody is completely confident all the time. We are all human. You are human. I am human.

I am still learning how to work through all of these myself. I am only a few months into putting effort towards changing my life for the better. It is a constant effort; a choice everyday to get out of bed and make it the best day that I can. To take time for myself. To put my thoughts onto paper. To get outside. All of my struggles that I wrote up there, I still have those with me today. I am only at the tip of the iceberg regarding my therapy appointments. I have a long way to go, but I am proud of myself for making it this far and being able to talk about it. Not quitting because it is “too hard.” I am pretty good at that too, LOL.

Guys, you are not alone here. I know I am not the only one with these struggles. The difference is that instead of having a “poor me” pity party moment with myself, I finally pushed my ego out of the way and got some help. I am putting in the work. Opening up to a stranger at first is terrifying and you are going to feel the most vulnerable you have ever felt, but guess what? Vulnerability and fear means that you are growing. It means change. Are you going to sit in your pity party and push off getting help? Or are you going to invest in yourself and make yourself the priority? Love yourself and learn how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable with me.

XOXO, Cait ❤

Good morning and happy MONDAY!

So I used to hate the feeling and sound of Monday because it just means the beginning of a whole new work week, right? Wrong-o! Do you know what it really means? It is a brand new day that I was able to wake up. It is a brand new day for endless opportunities for a GOOD day. It is a brand new day to a brand new week for me to focus on ME. To get out of bed, look at all I have to be grateful for, and to try to find the good.

Notice how I said try? What I am still learning is that sometimes I wake up in a not so good mood, in a funk if you will, and I like to beat myself up over it. What I need to learn is that it is normal to not be happy-go-lucky all the time and it is okay to feel other emotions. This is hard for me.

So everybody grew up differently and has had unique life experiences, therefore all of our stories will not be the same. I have been so focused my entire life in living in a constant fight or flight mode and my only goal was to keep swimming, even if I’m drowning, and to not sit and dwell on any emotions. I definitely did not realize this until recently. You know who made that clear to me? My therapist. Yep…read that again. My therapist!

Why did I put that off for so damn long? Not going to sit here and beat myself up though because I am sitting here now changing my life for the better. *Hair flip* BUT GIRL! She made me realize that my life has been constant chaos and it is no wonder why I have chronic anxiety and depression. “Oh, okay. Well yeah…that makes sense. Yikes.” Those are my main responses to her, HAHA. Nobody wants to hear that, but it is kind of funny because it is true. What is wild to me is that it is subconsciously there. I did not know that I was an emotionless robot until just a few months ago. I mean…I knew that I brushed things off a lot and kept moving, but I did not know the reasoning behind it.

What is important to realize, (and friends I am still trying to learn and practice this stuff myself. We are on this journey together, remember?) is that it is not possible to stay in one emotion all the time and it is not healthy. It is okay to wake up feeling sad or mad or happy or angry or whatever emotion it is that you’re feeling. It is okay. Feel it for a little bit and think about what it is that is making you feel that way. Don’t do what I do and get angry at myself or feel defeated when I am not in a good mood after putting in all of this hard work over the last few months. LOL. It is normal. There will be up and downs.

After you feel the emotion for a little bit, it is time to try to find the good. Practice something that helps you de-stress. This is where the consistency comes in and it is freaking hard some days. I have found a few things that help me stop and find the good.

I am very introverted and I like my alone time. I have always been like this. When I wake up in the mornings I love to just sit in my bed for a few minutes and be by myself before my day starts. No interruptions, no animals yelling at me for food (thank you for that, cats), no hustle and bustle of the outside world yet, just sitting in my quiet room focusing on me. I tell myself that it is going to be a good day today. Then it is time to get up and get myself ready for my walk. I try to go on a nice 2-3 mile walk as often as I can. I don’t want to commit and say every morning because at this point that is an unrealistic expectation for myself. My work schedule is all over the place so I will not be walking every single morning. Throughout my walks I like to listen to uplifting podcasts or music and I avoid going on social media. This is huge. This is my me time to self reflect and focus on nature. I love my new neighborhood that I have recently moved into and it brings me joy to go around and see what I am able to provide myself at this stage in my life.

After my 45-60 minute walk is done, it is time to be productive with the rest of my day. Getting outside in the sunshine is something that I know makes me automatically happier than I was before and doesn’t take much effort. So why not do it? There are days where getting out of bed seems rough or I am too tired or not in the mood to get sweaty from the 85 degree weather, but this is where being consistent is hard and so important. It is only going to benefit me, but the mind is powerful. I have to tell myself to get out of bed, go on that walk, listen to the podcasts, and you will feel better! It is hard, but I need to learn how to love myself and put me first in order to be successful.

After my day is done, especially on days after my therapy appointments, I reflect on it all! I notice that for me writing is so beneficial, hence this blog, and journaling has helped me so much! I highly recommend! Get out a notebook, jot down your feelings, and process through them.

If you’re sitting here thinking about how any of this might benefit you or saying to yourself “Man, I really think talking to somebody could help me…should I do it? I don’t want to look like a weirdo though…” STOP. You need to do it. Don’t push it back for another six months or a year or two years when you finally let your guard down and bite the bullet. It is so uncomfortable and awkward at first, but that is their job. Like they literally went to school to help others process through their shit. Pretty amazing if ya ask me.

Lady friends, we need to stop tearing each other down and instead help build each other up. This world is so cruel and it doesn’t have to be. Help a girl out! I don’t have the time or energy to sit and focus on the negativity anymore or wonder if somebody will like me or wonder what the heck somebody else is thinking about me. You can’t let the negatives outweigh the positives and you have to keep going even when you don’t want to. Keep putting in the work because it will be worth it.

2020 is the start of a new beginning for me. I am learning how to dig through my past and work through all of it to HEAL and not just stick a bandaid on top of it. I am learning how to love myself and gain self confidence. I am learning how to feel different emotions. I am learning how to put myself first. I am INVESTING the time and energy in MYSELF. Nobody else is going to help you. You have to do it for yourself. I am a work in progress and I want to be real with you. I want this to be a safe space for anybody to come and vent or just to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hear ya! I get it because I am here right now fighting through this and putting in the work to create and find a better version of me.

I hope you have the BEST MONDAY!

You are worth it.

XOXO, Cait ❤

I have always been so envious of people around me that radiated confidence and happiness. Ever since I was a little girl I have struggled with self-confidence, questioning every little thing I did, always wondering what others were thinking about me when in reality none of that matters. 

I have always had racing thoughts spinning in my head constantly thinking about the worst or remembering something negative that somebody said about me weeks, months, hell even years ago. I never really knew that it wasn’t normal until probably late middle school, but I didn’t know it would impact me as much as it did. I thought I could fix the problem myself. Yeah…anxiety is a real thing that has prevented me from experiencing a lot of joy. I wished I acted on this sooner, but I wasn’t ready. 

I never knew that anxiety could take over my life as much as it did. I have never been happy with my body so it led to self-image issues, I wasn’t eating enough, it was causing me to have actual physical symptoms, I wasn’t able to focus at work, I needed to leave wherever I was to go home if it was possible…it was too much. I was sick of feeling like crap all of the time and it was exhausting trying to pretend to be happy with my life. Then it hit me, “I need freaking help.” 

Mental health, including anxiety and depression, DO NOT get talked about enough. If you do not struggle with it, and I hope that you never do, but you will never understand it no matter how much you say “I get it.” You don’t. I am focusing on myself this year. I am done feeling “sorry” for myself and I am officially ready to HEAL. 

What did I need to do for me? I fought everything inside of me for the longest time and finally gave into seeing a therapist. I was terrified. I didn’t know how to act or what she was going to ask me or what she was going to think about me, but I needed help so I went. I went in with an open mind willing to try whatever I needed to in order to de-stress, find myself in all of this chaos, and to learn how to LOVE MYSELF. 

GUYS, this has been the best thing that I have ever done for myself. She has given me tools to help me focus on what is right in front of me, how to dig into my emotions (well…I am still working on this, LOL), is explaining to me why the heck my brain goes into fight or flight mode, she is validating my feelings, she has called me out on so much crap and it is hilarious because she is right. 

Are you ready to help yourself too? Come with me and we can do it together. I am writing this blog to help encourage you guys that we should all be loving ourselves. Be proud of where you are right now. What have you done for yourself lately? Anything? Complained that you are bored in your house and miss going to Target…me too girl, me too…I have also taken this time to make myself the priority. Get outside, go on a walk, buy a journal and write it out, jam to your music in the shower, dance it out, go on a drive alone to grab a coffee and reflect on your day. Make an appointment to talk to someone. Nobody will judge you and if they do then they probably need some help themselves. YOU DESERVE TO INVEST IN YOU. We cannot be good friends or aunts or sisters or mothers if we do not help ourselves first. It is okay to add a little bit of selfishness into your life. That is one of my goals. 

This quarantine has been a little crazy and is probably something that none of us have ever experienced, but maybe it hit so that we could have time to slow down in this crazy life and focus on what really matters. Focus on you and your family. Focus on your health- you are posting about how grateful you are for being healthy and not in the ICU with covid-19 and that is great, but how is your mental health? Because I can tell you that mine is not great yet, but it is SO much better than a few months ago and I am not stopping any time soon. 

I am here to cheer you on. I am still learning all of these new things too, it’s such a freeing feeling. I got this. You got this. You are not crazy. WE GOT THIS! 

XOXO, Cait ❤