Hi, friends!

It has been a while since I’ve been on here. I have been doing so much over the last several months and my brain has been consumed with well…life honestly. You know how it is. Adulting, right?

Since the last post, my life has consisted of continuing to work throughout this whole covid pandemic in the hospital with the kiddos, getting a promotion that I am currently working on, busting my butt trying to re-train my brain that I am worthy and allowed to put me first, oh…and I’ve found myself a new friend who I am a little obsessed with and like to see on my days off. I’ve been a little busy.

The best part? I did it all in my own little bubble. I love sharing parts of my journey, but I’ve loved keeping some of it to myself, too, in order to really grow and soak it all in.

Over the last almost year-ish, seeing a therapist weekly and adding in a nutritionist on top of that has been the hardest and best thing that I have ever done. My world has been thrown upside down, tossed back and forth, but it has all allowed my eyes to open and observe what I’ve been missing all of this time. It is definitely not all my fault, let me make this very clear *me talking to me,* and I am so here for it now.

I don’t know about you, but being a chronic people pleaser, rule follower, control freak/perfectionist, and super selfless person for this long has done some damage. LOL. Learning to re-train my brain on how to love myself for who I am now and not for who I was in the past is hard. Living in the moment, always being present, practicing mindfulness, and trying my best most days to really implement self-care is hard. Being an adult is hard. Mostly, being human is hard. There are curveballs being thrown at us all the time from every direction and we need to learn how to catch them and deal with them instead of running away and dodging them. Anxietyyyyy, ayeeee. *Guilty.*

I have had hard days over the last few months, I have had good days, and I have beat myself up when things did not go as originally planned or how I pictured them to go. The hard truth and reality is that all of our days are never going to “go as planned.” Life changes; even when you don’t want it to, even when you never saw any of the signs coming, no matter how little or how big the predicament is. Life changes every single day.

I have gained weight over the last however many months and per usual I have beat myself up over it for so long…but why? I have still been moving my body, I haven’t sat and eaten a whole ton in one sitting or starved myself over a long period of time in so long, I have been journaling and having one to two sessions a week with people who are literally here to cheer me on and help me grow and reflect, I have been been doing all of the “right things.” I sit and reflect on everything that has happened that has caused me to “gain weight” and nothing negative has happened except for my own brain beating myself up.

I can honestly say that over the last year, I have never been so happy. Covid came and shut down the world and it has allowed me to grow oh so much! As an introvert being stuck in the house of course had it’s challenges and some not so great days, but for the most part I wasn’t too sad about it. I have never in my life put so much effort into helping myself heal and trying to feel good about myself as I have now. I am working in my dream career, I have had time to reflect on me, and I have a new best friend that lifts me up everyday. What has caused me to gain weight? My happiness. Going out to be with friends, family, and indulge in treats that I would’ve typically skipped before. Eating multiple meals a day. Traveling. Maybe having a few too many glasses of wine, but screw it. No regrets. I need to, correction, we as a society need to stop focusing on numbers and body shapes. It ruins us. Why do we do this to ourselves? Me included. Some days are better/worse than others- your girl is no where near close to perfect. Well, nobody is perfect, but ya know what I mean.

I am trying to sit and accept me for me. I do not want to obsess over when and how my body changes, because it will, it is meant to fluctuate. Really trying to accept this reality. It is still a little hard some days, LOL. I am trying to prioritize self-care over “everybody else-care.” I am trying to be with friends and family to get social hour in, but I am also taking a day to stay in my house alone because I need it.

Today, I caved and finally went to McDonalds because I have been craving it for days, for whatever reason, and it was delicious. I didn’t beat myself up over it. This is a win.

Today, I needed an alone day, but I also missed my friend and wanted some social time so I FaceTimed her. We chatted to catch up for a while, which was definitely much needed, and then we continued on our day. I didn’t stay at a friend’s house all day like I usually do, instead prioritized me and allowed myself to catch up for an hour or so and then relaxed alone. This is a win.

Today, I sat outside while I let the dog roam around the dog park and do her business. It’s not my typical outside time, but it was outside time and it was good for my soul. Fresh air really is different than air conditioning. This is a win.

Today, I allowed my body to relax and decompress in the bath before bed while listening to a Brene Brown audiobook. She is amazing. I didn’t focus on anybody else but myself for 45 whole minutes and allowed for some self-care while I was giving myself some much needed pamper time. This is a win.

Today was a win.

I am learning to let go of everybody else’s feelings, do what makes me happy, and live behind the scenes. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and so many people have no idea he even exists. It’s amazing. We’ve been doing our own little thing and I am so happy. We are happy.

I think everybody needs some behind the scenes time in their life to find what makes them truly happy and to grow.

Society doesn’t need to see every aspect of your life at all times.

In order to live a peaceful life we need to respect ourselves enough to put ourselves first and live in the moment rather than living on instagram and comparing ourselves to others, when half of it is fake and physically unattainable anyways.

You are allowed to have good and bad days- as long as ya pull yourself back up after you fall. Life is a roller coaster full of ups and downs. Downs are going to happen, but the ups will outweigh the downs.

I might continue to stay behind the scenes for a while and do my thing because that, I have learned, is my key to happiness.

XOXO, Cait ❤️