Everyday is a new opportunity for growth. For new found strength. For being able to find the good. And sometimes, new days that you assume will be good days, will not be.

New days sometimes bring unwanted and unexpected emotions.

You think that therapy sessions, journaling, getting outside, doing all the “right things” will be enough and you will eventually learn how to be happy and inspire yourself once you find your new little groove in life. Then bam, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Like you got struck by a train. It comes out of nowhere.

You always hear that it is going to get worse before if gets better. Three steps forward, two steps back. You want to ignore that so badly and not make it your reality, but the reality is…is that in order to grow, there is going to be a low point. Maybe two, maybe three? I don’t know.

So I am pretty stubborn whether I like to admit it or not. I was doing good, kind of floating through the last few weeks happy and working on myself. I’m still working on myself, that hasn’t changed. However, what did change was a new topic that I’ve decided to dig into with my therapist and holy crap, I did not realize what that can do to you! I mean this is killing me! I found myself in a whole funk…like forreal, this is pissing me off. LOL.

I don’t like to show emotion, it’s super hard for me for whatever reason. I guess because I feel like I have to be Wonder Woman all the time or whatever, but the other night did it. Admitting this is hard. Sharing this with my therapist was even hard. The other night though…my body caved. My emotions finally won. My therapist and I have been waiting for this moment for months. She just keeps saying that she is so proud of me. This breakdown of emotions then led to other emotions that I haven’t felt in a little while. It was and is still so uncomfortable. I’m extra vulnerable. Extra sensitive. Extra frustrated with myself because I was finally starting to get to where I want to be. Am I seriously going backwards right now? After all of this time and energy! Seriously?!

But guess what! This is freaking part of it. Is this easy for me to swallow? Uhm, NO. Did I see this coming? Yes and no. I knew this was going to be a rough topic, I could tell I was isolating a little bit the last couple of weeks, but I didn’t know that I’d still be down days later. I was apologizing to my therapist yesterday for going backwards. She’s put in so much time with me and now all of a sudden I feel like I’m starting over. I’m embarrassed. She’s an angel though and clearly knows this is part of it because she deals with this for a freaking living. Is she really mad at me? Of course not. LOL, at me. You can see the insecure side of me coming out. Another work in progress.

Guys…what I want to tell you and what I am clearly still learning myself RIGHT NOW is that this is it. This is how I know I’m making some sort of progress. This feeling sucksssss, I’m not going to lie. It’s not fun. But I don’t want to cover up my scars with a bandaid, I want to work through them and this is how I have to do it. Healing is tough. The fact that it hurts so bad is because I care. Instead of giving up like I could do, I’m frustrated because I’ve fought so hard to get where I was last week and now I’m feeling like the old me again. In a funk.

It’s been sitting with me for days. I’m not giving up though. I’m going to go to my support person, explain how I’m feeling no matter how uncomfortable it is, and if I need another session, shit, another session it is. I did not work this hard to sit here and feel sorry for myself. Nope.

If you feel broken, crazy, insecure, embarrassed, terrified to open up, you’re isolating yourself from others…girl I got you. 🙋🏼‍♀️ Here I am. I feel ya. This is me right now. You are not alone. BUT…do not sit and stew in this for days and days and days and not do anything about it. That’s what I have to tell myself, too. Let it out, feel the emotions (FINALLY), know that these are good and normal to feel in order to heal, get up, and then get back on the train. Get back to helping yourself because that’s what matters in the end. I MATTER…YOU MATTER.

Don’t feel like you’re alone. It’s easy to do, trust me. Ya need help? Reach out. I gotchu. ✌🏻💪🏻👭🏼

XOXO, Cait ❤️